Written by Jolene Chong
As cliche as it sounds, time really flies! Over a year has passed since my husband, Fang Hao and I registered for marriage. As you read this, today marks one year since our wedding day, an event we reminisce about with fondness. We remain thankful to our brethren who played an integral part in its proceedings.
Someone once told me that, as humans living a finite time on earth, “the days are long, but the years are short”. These words ring true in this season of discovery, when even mundane days reveal something unique to understand about each other.
As I document my reflections about being a new Christian wife, I hope that my words provide meaning or encouragement to readers of all backgrounds. I also acknowledge how I am at the very start of our partnership, and I can empathise that it’s not always the most revolutionary part of the journey. It can be compared to me describing a grand vacation, except right now I’m only just in the packing stage!
Regardless, I believe there is beauty in penning down the early years, filled with hope and excitement (amongst many other emotions), in anticipation of what lies ahead. These lessons below are gained through personal experiences, and intermingled with the borrowed wisdom of mentors and married Christians across the world.
- It was of great value to know and grow ourselves, before marrying each other
When our engagement was first announced, Fang and I received many good-natured jokes about being in the “honeymoon phase”. Even recently, I’ve been bluntly informed “that whatever nice things my husband does for me will fade in time”.
In parallel, I noticed that many forms of media tend to portray marriage in a dim view, ala miserable couples in movies, reality shows about “blind weddings”, or narratives pushing marriage as “mousetraps” to escape via divorce. Society’s language can be rather sharp as well, with individuals laughing about their “rings of marriage” (the joke is that suffe-ring is one of them), or referring to their other half as a “ball and chain” weighing them down from freedom (most occasions, these tend to paint a disrespectful picture of wives, for some reason?).
If Fang and I were much younger, with a lower sense of self-worth or less mature faith, perhaps we would unwittingly absorb similar tones into our worldview. As it stands, we politely smile at these jokes, because we worked hard to respect ourselves, and each other. We decided to marry with the seriousness of a multi-billion dollar contract, and the genuine joy of a laughing baby. We aim to stay consistently loving, in and out of seasons…because our faith in God allows nothing less.
In order to visualise how we would approach marriage with a spouse, I believe we need to know ourselves first, strengths and weaknesses alike. If we are serious about God’s teachings, or care about His people, we then accept growing our Christlike character as our duty, independently of being attached to anyone. The Word asks us to build ourselves up with the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), or learn skills like being quick to listen (James 1:19) amongst numerous instances. These are not coincidences, but God’s pre-requisites for a meaningful life of love and faith.
I also am of a contrary opinion to what the “marriage tropes” in the world promote: I think time, life changes, and daily monotony should never alter genuine, carefully thought-out love and commitment. In the same way that believers ought to stay resolute in loving God throughout life, we should maintain, if not increase, the same care to our loved ones. Familiarity should not justify slowly becoming a worse, more complacent spouse, and instead spur our personal development on, anchored in gratitude and a spirit of loving one another.
Marriage comes with hefty expectations and duties, meaning the initial spark of attraction when dating could easily be replaced with doubt and the weariness of responsibilities. Still, if we profess to be Christians, the Bible is very clear on what qualifies us for this long-lasting union. Ephesians 5 is a well-cited, related Scripture, with verses 22-31 describing what God commands husbands and wives to be for each other as Christ was to His beloved church.
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
What strikes me most as I re-read the passage, is verse 31’s first three words: that through reasonable inference, the words “for this reason” indicate we must embrace the total rationale and fulfill what is highlighted in the previous verses, namely to submit fully as a wife, and to selflessly love as a husband. God clearly highlights marrying as both a beautiful and equally serious choice, mirrored in Jesus’ commitment for the church.
This is no simple task, and requires training ourselves to acquire Christ-based attributes such as empathy, humility, openness, and emotional maturity. By knowing ourselves and growing in obedience to God, we can be ready to flourish through marriage, instead of the other way around where we hope marriage will artificially boost our value and character.
- If you choose to marry, be prepared and open to change (for better, not worse)
Classic children’s fairytales, such as Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty, typically paint the idea of “happily ever after” after the hero marries the heroine, with the curtains falling at the end of the tale. We don’t get to know what happens thereafter…as someone on the other side of the curtain, I can say it is an immense joy to have a married partner, as well as hard work.
Paul shares in 1 Corinthians 7 regarding the principles of marriage, from what a married pair owes each other, and the influence we hold over our partner. This influence can be a double-edged sword: if we serve and aim to please them too much, we may be tempted to walk away from God. If we are ill-prepared for challenges, and fall into resentment, poor communication or arguments, we sin and hurt the other greatly. No wonder Paul also shares about considering very carefully whether it is better to remain single!
Fang and I had spent years together dating, by each other’s sides through a pandemic, major events, and his spiritual journey to following God. Even with this strong foundation of trust, marriage and living together brought in a whole new perspective to navigate, within the first year alone. With every novel situation, we unveiled more facets of ourselves to each other.
This is a privilege, and yet may understandably feel like uncharted territory in the early years of matrimony. Seeing someone in our personal space, involved fully in our lives (including periods where we were previously alone), could take some getting used to. For instance, when the way we hang laundry has worked all this while, it may be disorienting to have someone who proclaims a totally different way is correct!
Personally, I have grown up trying to be independent and mature, out of a desire to self-protect. This season taught me to pivot, and embrace being part of a connected whole – as Matthew 19:6 states, “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate”. My personal affairs, triumphs, struggles … everything is no longer just my own, but now my husband’s too. In understanding this, I eventually learnt not to resist the process out of pride or nervousness, but to curiously, non-judgementally, allow the changes to grow us.
I am a little closer to comprehending the wisdom of 1 Corinthians 13. Often used during wedding days as a passage describing love, it was a better fit for me post-wedding as my partner and I fathom what love resembles. When being on the same page matters more than being right or independent, we consciously change ourselves to communicate better, applying more compassion, patience and forgiveness.
- If God is the centre of your marriage, the outcome must be to serve Him (and everyone else) better.
Acts chronicles a couple, Priscilla and Aquila, in chapter 18, and how they taught and served others together. It’s one of my favourite accounts in the Bible; as a socially-motivated teen, I had always wanted to do good, together with an individual I love deeply.
These days, I have grasped that I owe more to God when I enter marriage. More to do, and more to serve, given that partnership offers me more resources, and more support to do so. Ecclesiastes 4:9 states “Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor”. I am genuinely blessed to be a twosome with my wonderful husband. He drives me to church when I’m too tired. He discusses with me over dinner who to look out for and acts as my accountability partner. He prays for our family, and discusses Scripture for his classes.
Loving another person wholeheartedly, through the ups and downs, is not always easy. It gives me a very, very, very microscopic glimpse into how much it must have taken out of Jesus to serve people on earth during His time as a Man, especially when no one could come close to reciprocating His version of agape (sacrificial, unconditional love). Yet, He was perfect, and by doing the will of God, established the church He loves.
From this reflection, I realised I genuinely have no excuse for being slack (in writing “I”, I hope to be self-accountable, knowing spouses are not a “free ticket” into Heaven). While marriage is a godly construct, designed to allow us to be with a partner, it needs to primarily connect us closer to God, amplifying obedience and reverence for Him.
If God is the core of our marriage, we do not use our marriage as a source of superiority or material gain. Our goal is clear: to collaborate and increase positive output in His name, and to be faithful until death together, to gain the crown of life (Revelation 2:10). This viewpoint shifted me to respect my Creator more via my bond to Fang, carrying out His will through greater efforts to serve Him, the church and our community.
To summarise my reflections:
- For those interested in marrying someday, I encourage you to actively learn to be like Christ, as it equips you to meet God’s requirements for marriage, and be your best self for your partner.
- If you are recently or long married, let us remember to be grateful for our spouses, influencing each other towards positive personal change.
- Lastly, irrespective of our marital status, we need to dedicate our lives to serve Him and others fervently. As a married couple, this effort should be greater since we have a helpmate to ease our challenges, and help us meet our goal of eternal life in Heaven.
Marriage does not make life easier by default, but with God-centred love, it can definitely make it better. I am humbled by what I have learnt, and pray my reflections are of value to all who believe in God and are in His kingdom.
P.S. Happy wedding anniversary, Fang!