Marriage is the oldest human institution on earth, being nearly as old as mankind. The Bible gives humans “all things that pertain to life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3), so (as with any subject pertaining to life and godliness) those seeking to understand their roles and responsibilities in marriage must go to God’s word. Marriages all over the world fail at an alarming rate and, while the reasons are many, it truly is the case that many fail due to a breakdown on the part of husbands relative to the Creator’s instructions about their role and responsibilities. What does God’s word teach concerning the role and responsibilities of husbands? This article answers the question with four key words: leave, love, lead, and learn.
Leave. God’s instruction to both husbands and wives at the beginning of marriage is to leave all others for one another (detailed in Genesis 2:21-24). God says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24), and Jesus reiterates the command in Matthew 19:4-5. No human being is to come before or have priority over one’s spouse. This includes self! Paul’s command, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself” (Philippians 2:3) is applicable in marriage also. In getting married, both husband and wife are committing to forsake all others—including self—for one another. When a couple is united in marriage, the concepts of “I,” “me,” and “mine” are replaced with “we,” “us,” and “ours.” The husband and wife are a team, or “one flesh” (Matthew 19:5; Ephesians 5:31).
Love. How are husbands to love their wives? First, husbands should love their wives emotionally. In Ephesians 5:25-33, Paul teaches the emotional, sacrificial love a husband is to have for his wife. Paul says husbands are to love their wives “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Ephesians 5:25). He says a husband ought to love his wife “as himself” (Ephesians 5:33). The emotional aspect of love leads a husband to cherish his wife. A man who sacrificially loves his wife as Christ loves the church is a man imitating Jesus. Husbands should also love their wives physically. Paul deals with husbands’ and wives’ responsibility pertaining to physical intimacy in 1 Corinthians 7:3- 5. Physical love goes beyond sexual activity, however, and may include holding hands, hugs, a hello/goodbye kiss, etc. There is something powerful about human touch; humans need it, and husbands owe it to their wives. Good, godly husbands love their wives, both emotionally and physically.
Lead. The Bible plainly teaches “the husband is the head of the wife” (Ephesians 5:23), but many men either do not know or do not care what it means to be the head (or leader) of his home. While God grants the title “head” to the husband, he must earn the respect of that title. Leadership begins with example. Godly husbands lead by example, and they see the big picture—getting to heaven. They understand that getting to heaven and helping their wives to do so as well is a truly successful life. From 1 Peter 3:7, the husband is to “dwell with” his wife, “giving honor” to her “as to the weaker vessel.” He leads with permanence and presence, letting her know he is committed to her and their marriage, that he will not leave or forsake her, and that he will be present and involved. He leads by honoring his bride, praising her often, both privately and publicly. He leads his wife by protecting her and providing for her, “as to the weaker vessel.” From Ephesians 6:4, a godly husband leads by taking responsibility for bringing up his children “in the training and admonition of the Lord.” Mothers should be involved in the spiritual upbringing of children also, but the husband is to take the lead in that effort. Looking at our ultimate example, Jesus (1 Peter 2:21), true leadership is servant leadership. Faithful Christian husbands who are servant leaders in their homes are bound to be good husbands.
Learn. Peter tells husbands to dwell with their wives “with understanding” (1 Peter 3:7), meaning a husband needs to know and understand his wife. Understanding his wife means the husband must spend time with her, listen to her, observe her, and pay attention to what she likes/does not like. Likewise, he must open up to his wife and share his own thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears—his entire world—with her. This requires communication (especially since women are designed with a greater need for communication). A husband who fails to work at knowing his wife simply is not fulfilling his role as a husband.
Most, if not all, of the role and responsibilities of husbands can be summed up in these four words: leave, love, lead, and learn. These instructions are easy to understand, but not always easy to apply. Yet, these are commandments from God, not suggestions or requests. Godly husbands leave all others and put no other human before their wives, love their wives as Christ loves the church, lead their wives with servant leadership, and work tirelessly to know and understand their wives. Husbands who truly want a blessed marriage and a little taste of heaven here on earth will put forth the effort to apply these concepts.
— Chad Dollahite