Written by Annabelle Yau
Author’s Note:
I wrote this when I was still waiting for my first baby. Since then, God has blessed us with our beautiful daughter. Some might think that makes this reflection irrelevant — that because “we got what we wanted,” the lesson no longer applies. But I believe we are always in a season of waiting — waiting for an outcome, an answer, a breakthrough, or even a person. In every season of waiting, we are invited to draw closer to God, to find contentment by desiring Him above our desires, and to place our trust fully in Him. My prayer is that this article continues to encourage you, just as it continues to remind me of what it means to wait well.
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On International Women’s Day, while the world celebrates womanhood, I find myself reflecting on how far I feel from the very definition of a woman.
I started taking Folic Acid in April last year. Before that, I was already going for doctor’s appointments and checking my body out in preparation for pregnancy; before that, every single decision that I’ve made with regards to my career & relationships has been for the sake of having and raising a child. Instead of being a doctor, I chose to be an Occupational Therapist because it offered fixed hours and fewer years of study. I chose Digital Marketing instead of Occupational Therapy when the opportunity arose, as it offered me more flexibility and a higher possibility of working from home. Today marks almost 1 year of preparation, 7 months of trying, 4 parenting and pregnancy books, 3 GP appointments, 1 OBGYN visit, 1 online Montesorri parenting course, countless ovulation and pregnancy tests, yet no baby – the very thing my female body was designed to do, but can not.
Through this journey of Trying to Conceive (TTC), I’ve gotten countless of encouragement and advice: read the Bible more, pray about it more, tell God the desires of your heart, visit a Traditional Chinese Medicine specialist, touch pregnant women’s bellies, don’t eat or drink cold things, drink red date water; I’ve done it all. To which, I don’t believe that my lack of a child is a reflection of my lack of faith or punishment or a result of a lesson that God is trying to teach me that I have yet to learn. However, I have learnt some things:
I was listening to an audiobook about prayer, and something I heard really stuck me which is
“Are you willing to surrender everything to God? Sometimes we often feel like we’re doing God a favour, by surrendering everything that we can surrender thinking, “I’m a good Christian girl, here are all these parts of my life you can take, God”, but saving the one thing you can’t surrender because you think it’s too important to give to God. It’s so important that you think it’s within your control to obtain. Is that truly surrendering everything to God? Can you sacrifice what is most dear to you?”
God is in control, and I’ve learnt what it means to truly be content as described in Philippians 4:11 (Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content, NKJV) which is not just being satisfied with not having what you want right now but being satisfied with not getting what you want at all.
Despite the fact that I’ve learnt many lessons in this season of waiting, I don’t believe that it’s after I learn these lessons that God will miraculously bless me with a child. I need to remember to love the giver instead of the gift itself. That God, just God, can be enough; I just need to do my best to glorify Him. There’s a verse in the Bible that I love, which says: Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). We often think of this verse in the context of, if I just ask God, and let him know the desires of my heart, He will give me what I want. However, I believe that when we learn to delight ourselves in the Lord, then He becomes the desire of our hearts. We need to learn to desire God more than the gift itself.
Even though I can’t do what a woman’s body was designed to do (yet), I can do what I was called to do as a woman, which is to submit. I will submit to the authority of my Creator, trusting His plans, promises, and rewards. And if I never see the answer to my longing in this lifetime, I will stand among the heroes of faith in Hebrews 11, who also waited for promises they never saw fulfilled, yet still walked in faith.