Written by Roger D. Campbell
Marriage is a one-of-a-kind relationship. When a child of God is married to a person who is not a member of the church, that makes for a special dynamic which can be extremely challenging.
Some who are in a mixed marriage (one spouse is a Christian and one is not) entered marriage as a non-Christian, then obeyed the gospel at a later time. Others already were members of the church prior to marriage and chose to marry someone who is not in the Lord. The result is the same: right now, one mate is a Christian and one is not. Yes, in God’s sight, it is a genuine marriage when one is a member of the Lord’s body and one is not (1 Corinthians 7:13,14).
For those of us who have never been the Christian who was married to a non-saint, we cannot claim to understand completely what you face, dear brother or sister. We can affirm this, though: we love you and stand willing to assist you in any way possible.
Let us first offer some suggestions and reminders about things that a Christian mate should not do if he/she is married to one who is not in the Lord. Do not give them pressure/“bully” them to be baptized. Your example and the power of the gospel can change a person’s mentality, but it is never appropriate in any case to pressure people to obey the gospel.
Concerning baptism, do not appeal to the wrong motive. For instance, do not suggest that if they would be baptized, it would improve your marriage. Having a better marriage would be a consequence of a mate’s conversion, but it should not be the motive for it. Or, do not suggest for the husband/wife to be baptized in order to be an encouragement to your kids and let the kids see spiritual union in the family. Again, spiritual union would be the consequence of one obeying the gospel, but it is not proper motivation for doing it.
If you are married to a non-Christian, do not compromise the truth about God, the Bible, Jesus, the church, or eternal judgment. Do not apologize for what the Bible says about any of these matters, and do your best to defend the truth with a gentle spirit.
We would plead with our brothers and sisters who are married to a non-saint not to violate God’s will in order to please your mate. If one’s goal is to please people, he/she cannot be a loyal servant of the Christ (Galatians 1:10). One’s first reaction might be to suggest that if they would make pleasing their mate their top priority, they might have more peace in the home. The reality is, we do not help anyone when we do not obey God. We do not help our mate, we do not help ourselves, and doing evil to get a good result is wrong (Romans 3:8). If our goal is to win our mate to the Savior, in the long run, steadfast commitment to the Lord is more effective than compromising Bible principles.
Do not threaten to punish your mate for not being a Christian. “If you do not obey the gospel, I will not cook any meals for you,” or, “If you do not get baptized, I might divorce you.” Saying such things have the potential to cause bitterness and further harden one’s heart, not soften their heart to the truth.
On the practical side, do not discuss internal church issues with the mate (or any others who are not members of the church). Problems between brethren need to be handled internally without broadcasting our pain to others (Matthew 18:17; 1 Corinthians 6:1,6-8).
Let us now look at the other side of the coin . . . some things that a Christian should do if his/her spouse is not in the Christ. Start by being a good example for your mate. Seeing your light shine is a huge plus (Matthew 5:16). Show a good example in your conduct and attitude (1 Peter 3:1-6). Some non
Christian mates seek for faults in their spouse and an opportunity to criticize. Be on guard against this. When you make mistakes, in humility admit them and express thanks for a gracious, forgiving Lord.
Make sure that your mate sees you fulfilling your responsibilities to God and your family, whatever those obligations are.
Love your mate unconditionally, regardless of his/her spiritual status (Ephesians 5:25; Titus 2:4,5). Treat your mate with kindness (1 Peter 3:8), practicing Jesus’ “Golden Rule” (Matthew 7:12). If kids are involved, it will be up to you, Christian parent, to provide the spiritual guidance and education that your children need. It will fall on your shoulders to teach them “the things of the Lord” (Acts 18:25), including making sure that they go with you to every Bible class and worship assembly of God’s people. This may anger your spouse, but take courage: doing the right thing is still the right thing to do!
In the meekest manner possible, express your concern for your spouse’s soul. Make an effort to teach the non-Christian mate the gospel (Mark 16:15). If it does not look like he/she is willing to listen to the Christian mate, it may be time to ask someone else to try to teach him/her, or perhaps even put the verbal teaching on hold for a while and teach by example.
I cannot think of any choice that is more unwise than the decision to marry a person who is not a child of God. Once a Christian is in such a mixed marriage, though, we stand prepared to offer our moral support and prayers. We know it is not easy for you. May the good Lord strengthen you in all that is good.